You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok.  They know me here.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere

 Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other 

 

Random thoughts to make your head explode

Corduroy pillows make headlines!

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 Why do I constantly return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

 Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer

 First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.  

 Sometimes too much drink isn't enough

Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink instead.

 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

 Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in church.

 Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 I like cats to. Lets exchange recipes.

 

Thoughts on sex and marriage (or not)

 

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.
 
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Plymouth last night.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

I chatted up a woman but she said "I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable".

  Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

 

Dangerous thoughts on women

 

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 Marry It!

 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
 A battery has a positive side.

 What are the three fastest means of communication?
 1) Television
 2) Telephone
 3) Telawoman
  
 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
 They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

 What should you give a woman who has everything?
 A man to show her how to work it.

 Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
 Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 Put a nipple on it.

 Why do women fake orgasms ?
 Because they think men care.

 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 Nothing, she's been told twice already.

  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
 When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

 Why do men pass gas more than women?
 Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
 The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.
 
 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A woman who won't do what she's told

 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
 It's called a Wedding Cake.

 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.

 

 

 

 

 

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!